Stuck on Striving

I've started so many new blogs, only to get frustrated quickly and start over with a new topic or quit altogether. It's like when you begin to write a story down on pen and paper and get to a frustrating point in the writing process, crumple up the piece of paper, and throw it into the trash can. Except that today is 2024, and all I have to do is click the X and close the laptop.

This is highly frustrating to me as I felt like I was called to write. A few years back, I really thought I finally figured out what I was created to do. Since I am not doing that right now, I fight feelings of failure, like I am a big disappointment to God.

I am at war between my ears, and some days, I defeat myself. Some days, I just don't care. 

Some days, I compare myself to others. "If i didn't quit writing, I could be doing things like her."

Some days, I feel at peace.

Peace is where I like to be the most but fail to be there the most.

Thank God, I know deep down inside that defeat is a lie from the enemy.

In Christ, I hold the victory!

But thank God! He gives us victory over sin and death through our Lord Jesus Christ. 1 Corinthians 15:57

But it takes time to rewire our minds to combat the lies the enemy tries to shove down our thoughts. It takes time to learn to stand firm on the Word of God, which says that we are loved and chosen, and nothing we can do or nothing we haven't done will cause His love to stop.

What can separate us from God?

Nothing.

I have to rewire my mind to believe these words:

38 And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God's love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God's love. 39 No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:38-39

"Why can't you ever finish something you start?" is a constant question I ask myself. That continuous nagging question that plays on replay fuels my fear of rejection, failure, and the pursuit of perfection. Doubt begins to creep in on my purpose. If you had asked me a year ago what my purpose was, I would have quickly responded: write.

Ask me today, and I may become a blubbering mess of confusion with a frustrating answer of "I have no darn clue anymore." It's like my purpose in life goes in phases. My calling changes with the seasons. I have gone from wife to mother to fitness fanatic to lazy homebody working in ministry, constantly pursuing "what's next?" "There has to be more! What is it? It can't be just this!" 

The last time I attempted to write a blog was on April 29th, 2024. Today is August 1st, 2024. It's been three months - 2,190 hours since I even considered publishing anything. Three long months of beating myself up, fearing what people are thinking about me, and worrying that God can't do anything with me without writing.

As I type these words, I feel as if God is gently guiding my thoughts, reminding me of His faithfulness. I don't need to strive for His attention; I already have it. My work won't earn His attention, and I don't need to fight and strive for it.

I am His, and He is mine.

It is guaranteed without expiration.

Without condition. 

As I reflect, I am reminded of the complex dynamics between a child and their parents. Sometimes, a child may resort to disruptive or attention-seeking behavior in their quest for parental acknowledgment. Although, as a mother, my children inherently have my attention, my occasional distractions might lead them to feel otherwise, prompting them to vie for my focus.

But not so with God.

God is my Heavenly Father, and I don't have to fight for His attention.

I don't have to strive, write a great blog, or be on my best behavior to gain His glance.

For the last three months (plus), God has shown me that I don't have to be a Martha. If you are unfamiliar with this story, I urge you to stop what you are doing, read through it, and ask God, "Am I a Mary or Martha?" It can be found in Luke 10:38-42

What matters most is that I sit at His feet, learning from Him, craving a deeper intimacy, growing my spiritual muscles, and resting with Jesus when I feel overworked and unnoticed.

What matters is where I get my empowerment from.

World? or Word?

Man? or God?

"There is only one thing worth being concerned about. Mary has discovered it, and it will not be taken away from her."

Luke 10:42

Notice those last words: IT WILL NOT BE TAKEN AWAY FROM HER.

IT WILL NOT BE TAKEN AWAY FROM YOU!

What matters most to Jesus will never be taken from us.

He is for us.

With us.

Never leaving us.

I don't have to work to get His approval.

I have His approval because Jesus died for me.

My sin of striving for perfection was nailed to the cross.

All I have to do is sit.

Be still.

Slow down.

Listen.

Relax.

I can relieve the heavy pressure of striving by placing my efforts in the capable hands of my Father, who wants me to tune in to Him and build our relationship.

It sounds too good to be true.

Stop striving... sit... be still... rest... relax?

HA!

Have you ever met an adult with ADHD?

It is like trying to tell a 2-year-old to calm down and sit still as you put them in front of the most exciting thing on earth. It's like trying to contain immense energy and enthusiasm within a confined space.

Impossible.

But God is a man of possibility when we trust Him.

WHEN we trust IN Him.

Not when we put our trust in what we can do for Him but in what we can do with Him.

The words of Paul ring in my ears.

"Each time he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 10 That's why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

My weakness is my striving.

My fear of rejection

My fear of feeling inadequate, unseen, and unloved.

I've been learning that I have little control over many things, which frustrates me. However, I need to learn to trust in God's sovereignty. I believe I am in a season of learning to trust God's plan for my life, my calling, and my purpose and to develop and strengthen my spiritual gifts given by God. 

ALL while leaning on Him, striving less, and resting at His feet MORE!

I miss writing a lot. I miss the closeness to God that I feel when I write. However, I don't miss the pressure that came with it, which was self-imposed. I used to feel like I had to control everything and that everyone needed to hear what I had to say. God still has a lot of internal work to do on my heart. If I can align my heart to remember to "write to worship," and stop worrying about who will read it or what they will think of me, and instead focus on what God thinks about me, maybe this whole writing thing will have a greater purpose for Kingdom impact.

So, while I am in this season… I must remember this one goal: write to worship and release all pressure to post frequently.

Write to share the love of God to whoever God calls to read my posts.

Allow complete control to be handed over to the capable hands of my loving Father, whom I am learning to trust with my life.

I want to write to share my weaknesses with the heart intention of strengthening someone else as they learn they are not alone in their struggles. 

Write to spend time with God without any agenda.

Let go, and let God.

Stop striving and relax. God's got this.

Remember to be a Mary in a Martha world.

Just sit still.