Confessions of a Control Freak

Let’s talk about a word that makes a lot of us squirm: control.

I don’t know about you, but I like to think I have it over my plans, schedule, family, future... my life. But the hard pill to swallow: I don’t. Not really. My grip on control is more illusion than reality, and yet I cling to it like a toddler clings to their favorite toy.

Control Freak? That’s me—hi, it’s me, I’m the problem, it’s me. 🙋‍♀️ I’ve spent way too long gripping the steering wheel of my life like a white-knuckled maniac, convinced I could direct traffic, dodge potholes, and still somehow arrive at peace. But the truth? My attempts at control don’t lead to peace—they lead to burnout, breakdowns, and brokenness. This blog is my honest confession: I can’t do it all. I was never meant to. And maybe… just maybe, you weren’t either.

And when God gently—or not-so-gently—reminds me that He is the one in control, my first instinct isn’t always to shout “Amen.” Sometimes it’s more like… “Ouch.”

It’s not easy to hand over the wheel. It’s not easy to admit that the mess around (and inside) me can’t be fixed with a checklist, good intentions, or a little spiritual Febreze.

But that’s exactly where Jesus meets us—in the chaos, in the crushed Cheerios (we’ll get to that 😉), in the wreckage of our best-laid plans. He offers what we could never do for ourselves: a deep, soul-level cleansing and restoration.

Here’s something I have to remind myself of daily:

Let go of control, Kelsey. Loosen your tight grip and hand it over to the One who actually knows what He’s doing.

If you can’t say amen to that, just say ouch.

Because even though I know God is in control and I am not, I still try to hold the reins. Still try to clean up the mess on my own. Still pretending I’ve got this. HA! I imagine Jesus giving me a wink... and also a face-palm, muttering, “Oh Lord, I got some work to do in this one.”

But guess what? He’s up for the challenge. This challenge doesn't surprise Him. He knows you better than you know yourself, and He is MORE than qualified to handle the stubbornness and messes we create.

As I wrestled with all this, I got this image in my mind—a van owned by a busy mom (maybe like you). It's seen better days: shuttling kids from school to sports, dance to dentist, errands to everywhere. And like our spiritual lives, that van... gets messy... and neglected.

Think of it:

• French fries smashed into the carpet.

• Cheerios crushed into the seats.

• Gatorade stains that could qualify as a science experiment.

• Chocolate handprints on the doors.

• Fruit snacks melted into a sticky mess under the seats.

• Endless wrappers. For the love, the wrappers!

• The stench of damp socks after a rainy tournament day.

• And here's the other thing... we can't even put all the messy blame on the kids. Here's the current status of my center console piled up on the passenger seat:

  
  

  

  
  

Let’s just call it what it is: gross and chaotic.

Now, sure, you could try to clean it yourself.

But can you get it as clean as a professional with the right tools? Nope. Not even close. Sometimes the stains are just too much for us to get out ourselves. The messes are so big we don't even know where to start.

And that messy van? That’s my life. Maybe it’s yours too.

When Life Looks (and Smells) Like That Van

There’s the swamp of sin we step into.

The stains of trauma we’ve endured.

The crushing weight of striving for perfectionism while dealing with pain without healing.

The false pursuit of happiness, neglecting holiness.

The lingering stink of pride, shame, or bitterness.

And every time I try to clean it up on my own, I fall short. I scrub the surface but miss the deep grime. I mask the smell but never deal with the rot. I cover up my sin with good deeds—serving in ministry, showing up to church, helping others through their mess—while quietly ignoring my own. I’ve tried to perform my way into cleanliness, but no amount of striving can purify what only Jesus can restore. I don’t need to be perfect—I just need the One who is perfect.

I need a restoration professional.

I need just Jesus.

My longing to be clean isn’t about pride; it’s a holy hunger—a glimpse of Heaven where the broken is made whole. But that kind of restoration starts now. I don’t want to settle for surface-level sanitizing. I want deep, soul-level cleansing. And the only path to that kind of holiness is through Jesus. By giving up our illusion of control and allowing Him to take the wheel and to grab the tools He needs to give us a thorough cleaning.

My control is stained crimson because of the sin it creates in me, and only Jesus can wash it white as snow (Isaiah 1:18). I need Him to pull me out of the swamp and set me on holy ground.

“Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow…” – Isaiah 1:18

Take Your Hands Off the Tools

The first step? Admitting I need help. Not just a little help—real, soul-deep help. The kind only Jesus can give.

It all begins with surrender.

I have to drop the scrub brush. Step away from the mess I keep trying to manage on my own strength. Because every time I take my eyes off the road—off Jesus—I drift. And Scripture warns us about drifting:

So we must listen very carefully to the truth we have heard, or we may drift away from it. For the message God delivered through angels has always stood firm, and every violation of the law and every act of disobedience was punished. Hebrews 2:1-9

And yet, I still catch myself grabbing the tools back from God, saying, “You’re not doing it right.” But every time I do, I only make the mess worse.

On my own, all I can offer is a surface wipe-down. A fake clean that masks the dirt with good intentions.

But I don’t want fake. I want real. I need a deep, soul-saturating clean.

That kind of restoration? It only comes through surrender. Control has to go. The illusion I keep clinging to—it’s just that: an illusion. And whether I release it willingly or God, in His mercy, pops the bubble Himself… it will go. And when it does, so will my pride.

So let Him in.

Let Him work.

Let Him restore.

He’s Not Afraid of Your Dirt

God already knows how messy your heart is. He’s not shocked. He’s not grossed out. He’s ready—with mercy, power, and perfect tools in hand, tools laced with grace and love.

But you have to invite Him in.

“The heart is deceitful above all things… But I, the Lord, search all hearts…” Jeremiah 17:9–10

“Search me, God, and know my heart;    test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." Psalm 139:23-24

The Deep Cleaning Our Souls Desperately Need

So, what’s the solution to the resolution our souls are crying out for?

God’s Word.

“All Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the servant of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work.”– 2 Timothy 3:16–17

If we want to be cleansed, transformed, and restored, we have to give Him control.

Let Him do the deep cleaning only He can do.

Let the Word of God penetrate the places you’ve tried to cover up.

Let His truth uproot the lies.

Let His love scrub away the shame.

Let His Spirit do the holy work—healing, redeeming, renewing, and restoring you from the inside out.

The only path to perfection—sanctification—is through Jesus.

Less like me. More like Him.

It’s not about trying harder. It’s about surrendering deeper. Less like me. More like Him.

The road to holiness—the one that leads to the gates of Heaven, where our striving finally meets His perfection—is paved with daily surrender and the sanctifying power of the Spirit.

Let go. Let Him work. Let Him make you new.

There is hope for restoration and reconciliation, but it’s only found in Jesus Christ.

We need to be in God’s Word for Him to reveal what our souls truly need. A Christian life without the Word is lifeless.

Because here’s the truth: Our lives are one big hot mess express, and we need Jesus to cleanse us.

And always, always remember this: There is no such thing as too big of a mess for God to tackle. You just gotta be willing to lie down and let Him do the tackling with His tools.

Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. John 14:6

 So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death. Romans 8:1-2

Pray with me.

Father God, I am filled with dirt and sin, and I need a deep cleaning. Come, search my heart, and take control of my life. I am sorry for the sin that has stained my life. Cleanse me, make me new. I am sorry for the control I think I have, and I am sorry for how I think I know what's best when, in reality, you see the bigger picture and know what is truly best for me. You are the only hope I have to be cleansed and made new. Jesus, come into my heart, clean it up, and help me to be less like me and more like you.

In the Holy and Precious Name of Jesus, I pray, Amen.

✨ BONUS: Give this song a listen—and let it become your prayer today. 💜

💬 Do me a favor? If this blog hit home for you—if it made you laugh, think, or maybe whisper a quiet “ouch”—would you share it on your socials? I’m still on a little social media hiatus, but your share might be the exact encouragement someone else needs today. ❤️

Thanks for spreading the hope. Keep letting go and letting God.