One year ago today, on April 29th, 2023, my husband and I went out for a date night. It was the usual: take the kids to my mother-in-law's, go shopping, and grab a bite for dinner. I distinctly remember eating, and a voice (not audible, but it spoke to my heart) said: "If you keep eating, you will get sick", and I thought to myself, this must be God's way of warning me not to overeat, little did I know, that voice was right.
I did end up getting sick.
A sickness that has lasted a year (and counting) and rocked my world, flipping it upside down, but a sickness that revealed some deeply rooted trauma to my insides that was in need of healing.
A sickness that would reveal more than I could have imagined.
To read more about what happened, all my diagnosis, etc. please read:
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I was sick.
I knew I needed God's help, but I could never have imagined HOW He would answer.
Getting sick would prove the strength or lack thereof of my gut health and just how bad of shape I was internally, and I didn't even know it. The symptoms of the underlying illness were hidden until the final straw punched me in the gut. Literally.
Over the last year, I have spent many sleepless nights up with nausea and bad GI symptoms
TMI, but it's life... I spent many nights praying on the porcelain throne for God to leave His throne to come and rescue me and save me from my suffering and misery, and He did so on more than one occasion.
Through my physical healing journey, I discovered much more deep inside me that needed healing beyond my physical state. I realized that my emotional and spiritual state required healing, too, and God used my gut healing to bring about this spiritual and emotional healing.
A healing I never knew I needed.
I recently learned that I would have to go backward to go forward in the healing process, and I have been resisting that for a long time now.
I was suffering from an underlying condition, but I tried to ignore it, hoping it would magically heal itself. I suppressed my emotions and concealed my trauma, hoping they would disappear.
Out of sight, out of mind, right?
But it only caused more chaos internally. I just didn't know it.
God had a plan to heal my mind and soul from trauma and let go of shame, regret, heavy burdens, and fears of abandonment and rejection. He called me to no longer conceal and not feel but to reveal and sit in the emotions that were swept under the rug as a cover-up.
Healing is a gradual process that can't be rushed or fixed with a temporary solution.
My life has been crazy and chaotic, and I was at a point in my healing journey where I wanted to leave the past in the past. I didn't want to dwell on it anymore.
I was done healing.
But little did I know that healing is done in layers.
And just when you think one layer is healed, another layer is pulled up.
It requires replacing unhealthy habits and thought patterns with healthy ones. Although complex and often painful, it's necessary for proper healing. When a deep cut becomes infected, a badaid won't fix it. We must remove the infection before healing can begin, and healing always starts within. Trust the Great Physician to dig deep and remove infections that prevent healthy growth.
𝒴𝑜𝓊 𝒸𝒶𝓃'𝓉 𝒽𝑒𝒶𝓁 𝒻𝓇𝑜𝓂 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝑜𝓊𝓉𝓈𝒾𝒹𝑒 𝒾𝓃; 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝓂𝓊𝓈𝓉 𝒽𝑒𝒶𝓁 𝒻𝓇𝑜𝓂 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝒾𝓃𝓈𝒾𝒹𝑒 𝑜𝓊𝓉.
In the midst of silent and suffocating suffering, God called me to be still, endure, and embark on a healing journey together with Him. This level of deep healing is not something you can do alone; it must be done in the presence of God. It requires humble submission and allowing God to dig up the dirt and let Him clean it up. I know I am not alone, and God is right by my side.
We are making progress. Slow progress, but progress.
I needed to slow down, be still, and know that God is my Sovereign and He is my Heavenly Father. I have learned to trust God completely and surrender to His will, though it is still a work in progress - slow progress, to be precise. Even though my health has had its ups and downs, I know that He remains in control and has good plans for me.
We have an important role to play in the process of healing, and it's called surrender.
It's a tough pill to swallow, trust me. I know from experience. I have had to swallow more than my fair share of pills over the last year.
Figuratively and literally.
So what has happened in the last year?
A lot of conviction.
A lot of revealing emotions I didn't know I was hiding.
Sin is a spiritual infection that needs to be removed from our lives for healthy spiritual growth. In the same way that bad gut bacteria can have negative physical effects, sin can manifest in our outward actions. To cultivate good spiritual health, we must feed ourselves with things that promote righteousness and starve ourselves of things that produce sin.
What we feed ourselves has a direct impact on our growth. If we are constantly consuming unhealthy content, our minds and souls will also become unhealthy. On the other hand, if we nourish our spiritual life with wholesome content, our spiritual life will thrive.
As the old saying goes, 'you are what you eat'. If we hold onto negative feelings and refuse to let God remove our burdens, our growth and relationship with God will be hindered.
But know this, God can't remove what we aren't willing to give up. Just like if we are unwilling to let go of unhealthy habits, we won't ever get healthy. Surrender....
Be convictable.
Be willing to confess.
Be willing to repent and turn away from the sin within.
Be willing to let go of the junk that is causing rot to build up.
Be willing to let God prune what is no good inside of you.
Be willing to let God pour into you the good stuff your mind, body, and soul needs.
Let God feed your soul and heal your innermost parts.
Sooooo....
What else has happened?
This would be a whole other blog post... but...
I have had to re-learn myself... (this is an ongoing process)
I have had to relive some things from my past that have haunted me for me to heal properly.
I have had to relearn what is good for me physically, mentally, and spiritually. I have had to do a lot of pruning, sacrificing, repenting, and making changes.
All of the above, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Is this journey over?
Far from it.
But each day I allow God to come in and perform spiritual surgery on my heart, I am one day closer to being healed from the inside out.
The more I resist, the longer the process takes.
No brainer, right?
Easy peasy, right?
HA.
I have a pulse, am human, and still struggle with surrender.
However, today is a day that I have prayed for.
In the past year, I have prayed to God to show me the reason behind my suffering and why it was necessary. God has shown me that my suffering is essential for my healing. Even though it may seem crazy to some, I don't mind because I can now thank Him for how I have suffered. He is restoring my spiritual and emotional health while healing me from the inside out. This concept has been hard for me to digest, but He is kind and patient with me!
For the first time in a long time, I have peace—a peace that transcends all understanding and makes no sense, considering I am still in the healing process. But I trust God as I work to say that with confidence. God knows my heart, and for that, I am thankful. If He knows my heart, He knows the work that is left to be done, and I trust He will continue the work in me.
So, I encourage you today: know that God always answers if you have an unanswered prayer. We just need to be open to HOW He answers and in His great timing. He is never late.
He is always on time.
I urge you to step back and see if He has already answered your prayer. Are your blinders on because He didn't answer in your way but in HIS way?
Surrender and suffering" may sound unpleasant, but they are not dirty words. As believers, we are called by God to submit humbly to suffering, trusting that He will answer our prayers in the way that is best for us. We should keep in mind that He always has our best interest at heart (See Matthew 6:8).
We must take comfort in knowing that suffering can serve a greater purpose that we may not fully comprehend. Sometimes, we must dig deep to uncover the buried purpose behind our pain. We must allow ourselves to feel the pain and confront it, as this is the first step towards healing.
I can imagine the confidence in the words of Paul in the midst of his suffering:
"Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." Romans 5:1-5
I hope that one day I can have faith like Paul. But I must be willing to suffer as Paul did, and I can humbly admit I am not there yet.
Trust in God and watch as He works wonders in our lives in ways we would have never imagined.
Heal... give yourself permission to feel what you truly feel.
Let it go with God. God wants you to heal, and He wants you to heal in His way and in His timing.
The best part of the process is you WILL grow closer to God if you allow Him in.
If you need healing (as we all do!), seek the Great Physician who wants to heal you completely from the inside out.
Do you need prayer?
I would love to be praying for you! While I don't have everything figured out in my own healing journey, I know the one who does, and He knows you, too!
Allow someone to intervene divinely on your behalf.
It's what the body of believers are called to do.
Feel free to fill out the prayer request form found here:
God bless, and may you seek the Lord for all your healing needs.
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