Recently I was wrestling with a devotional blog I was in the process of writing.
I couldn't get it to flow, and I didn't feel I was getting the "green light" from God.
I was unsettled & frustrated with it, so I walked away. Sometimes I need to step back to wait on God's timing, not mine. I try my hardest to pray before I post, especially with my blogs. I pray for God's discernment through the Holy Spirit and His leading with my words. I want to be sure that my writing will glorify Him and is Word driven/Biblically accurate, but personally relevant too. I was close to pushing the publish button, but the Holy Spirit stepped in and said, "no, not yet."
The next day I learned why, but we won't get into that quite yet. I will say this, though... God's timing is impeccable, and His ways are far beyond my comprehension, sometimes even downright comical.
Through the wrestling, something hit me like a ton of bricks.
Do you want to know what question for the longest time has driven me bonkers?
A question I run from?
A question I cringe when anyone asks me?
"What is your why?"
My why since I got the call to write has been “because God told me to, and I am trying to be obedient." It also was revealed to me that it is a way to worship, and I love that! I have been asked the "what is your why" question in the training I am doing with COMPEL, and honestly, I couldn't answer why when I was previously asked, and it bothered me. Of course, I could give you the reasons above, but I didn't feel that they were the real reason deep down in my soul. I didn't know my why like everyone else did.
I thought I didn't have a "good enough" reason, or so I thought.
I sometimes would second guess the calling, but I know deep down in my heart and through A LOT of confirmation this calling is from God.
Psalm 27:14 says: "Wait patiently for the Lord . Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the Lord.'
Through this waiting and wrestling part of the editing process and praying through it, I found why He has called me to write. More than just "because He said so." More profound than just worship, even though worship is already a pretty deep and personal reason! I write to worship God and give Him glory, but I feel as if God was laying it on my heart to write about hardships. The times when the mustard seed of faith is barely a mustard seed. To show you that it is not always sunshine and rainbows. There is more to the "Christian lifestyle" than meets the eye. I feel in today's society, it is portrayed poorly, which is another topic for another time. Have I always portrayed it perfectly? Absolutely not.
Christians are NOT perfect. We are still human, and we are not immune to sin. Which means we WILL mess up. We will have bad days. We may even have bad seasons. However, we SHOULD be more aware of our sins. Sometimes we do things that aren't very Christian-like, but you don't have to tell us. We already know... or should. We know we should be representing God better. But we aren't robots, and we indeed aren't perfect and sinless like Jesus was! We get put on a pedestal, and people are in complete shock and awe when we mess up. Like, "Oh my Lanta Cindy, did you hear that Kelsey did XYZ... I can't believe she did that! What audacity does she have to call herself a Christian, for goodness' sake? She isn't supposed to act like that and do those things!"
Pipe down, Cindy.
I said I was healing.
Not HEALDUH. It's a TikTok thing... ifykyk. If you don't get the reference, well, here you go:
P.S. I am so sorry if your name is Cindy! This was not directed at ANYONE in particular. I could have used Karen, but she's been through enough.
Just as much as we aren't perfect in our actions, sometimes there are moments of weakness in our faith. Moments where our faith falters, we question God, resist God, and tell Him no. Moments of hot mess express coming in hot. Minutes, days, and even seasons when we want to throw in the towel and do as the world does without a care or thought about "what's next."
So my why is to show the absolute truth of what it's like to walk with the Lord the best way I can. My story, His glory. My mess, His message. My test, His testimony.
I struggle just like everyone else, but sometimes I feel like those struggles are swept under the rug. They are masked behind fake smiles and all the"yay-God moments" we can muster up. Jesus meets us right where we are. He will meet you exactly where you are too. He shows up during the good, bad, and ugly. Through all the struggles, pain, anxious moments, and everything in between. The moment's when we are still searching for that mustard seed of faith. During the times we have none and during the mountain top, sunshine and rainbow moments too. He is there for it all.
I want to be open, honest, and raw. Not only is my past messy, but I know parts of my future will also be. It's promised. So buckle up; you are in for a real treat! This walk isn't always easy, but it will be worth it.
I want you to know one thing... this is not about religion or a religious "thing." My walk with Jesus is purely a relationship thing. And it is by far the best one I have grown in. I have been saved by undeserving grace, not because of what I did or do, but what Jesus did on the cross.
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